Category Archives: Warne’s “Standard” Extra-General Miscellany

Read excerpt’s from the this much forgotten and highly unnecessary tome.

The Man of Science

Who Knows?

“These things are quite improbable, to be sure; but are they impossible?

Our big world rolls over as smoothly as it did centuries ago, without a squeak to show it needs oiling after all these years of revolution. But times change because men change, and because civilization, like John Brown’s soul, goes ever marching on.

The impossibilities of yesterday become the accepted facts of to-day.

Here is a fairy tale founded upon the wonders of electricity and written for children of this generation. Yet when my readers shall have become men and women my story may not seem to their children like a fairy tale at all.

Perhaps one, perhaps two—perhaps several of the Demon’s devices will be, by that time, in popular use.

Who knows?”

L. Frank Baum, The Master Key: An Electrical Fairy Tale Founded Upon The Mysteries Of Electricity And The Optimism Of Its Devotees.

THE MAN OF SCIENCE -AN ILLUSTRATED NOVEL OF SCIENCE AND DISCOVERY FOR SCHOOLCHILDREN

KNOWN TO INCREASE MENTAL APTITUDE, AND WELL REGARDED BY THE COUNTY’S SCHOOLMASTER’S FOR THE IMPROVING PROPERTIES OF THE TALE

THE TEXT.

THIS TEXT IS TO BE FOLLOWED WITH REFERENCE TO THE ILLUSTRATIONS PROVIDED OVERLEAF. CHILDREN MAY ASK FOR ASSISTANCE WITH TURNING THE PAGE IF REQUIRED. APPROXIMATELY ONE HOUR’S CLASSROOM TIME, OR THREE HOURS TIME AT HOME, SHOULD BE DEVOTED TO THE READING AND UNDERSTANDING OF THIS TEXT.

1 & 2. Theodore followed that most solitary of professions. Being a man of science, he became so lonely that even the most foul-smelling lighthouse keeper, or beggar-boy, might take pity on him. One day, while examining a light bulb, and occasionally ejaculating a loud cry of “aah” or a small sigh of “oh” – and looking into the small cage which housed the crippled bird with severed wings (not pictured) that told him certain secrets of the sort that it is only God’s place to understand –

3. So lonely was he, that it became his fancy to to don masks, and adopt such mannerisms that he might play-act in the role of his own, “imaginary” friends. This was stormingly good fun, and he enjoyed it very much. However, it was wrong.

NOTE: THE TEACHER MAY CHOOSE TO REINFORCE THIS, THE MORAL OF THE STORY, BY SWIFTLY STRIKING EACH OF HIS PUPILS.

4. The consequences of this act of sin – for it can be called nothing less – is that henceforth, for all his days, the Man of Science believed that he was his own friends. He used this machine, of his own foul invention, to say “hello” to them.

And, doing so, he placed his hand elsewhere, turned the nob which was tuned into his own demonic frequency, pressed the button (which delivered “more” electricity) and moved the stick-like device to the other position which was the opposite to the position it had previously occupied, thereby delivering more fuel to his devilish scheme.

5. The professor pitied himself greatly, and collapsed out of shame. And got back up again.

6. He thought of his late colleague’s slender yet masculine hand, touching his instruments with abandon.

7, 8 & 9. The bat’s were in the belfry, the illusionist looked on through a distorted magic window, and the cat, being a Catholic, was the only picture granted the privilege of full-colour reproduction.

EXERCISE B – SING A SONG IN DEDICATION TO “THE POPE OF CATS”.

“MEOW”.

10. The Man of Science, already light-headed from collapsing in shame and striking his head upon a giant wooden “Electric Field Emitter”, collapsed once more, and remembered his old study, decorated so beautifully as would make any man’s eye’s water!

And then, at once, his mind turned to the memory of his late colleague, and the way he would sit across his desk. “Good for circulation” he would say, cheerfully.

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Some Certain Things To Consider.

The Hare said that “Come Winter, this cold and lonely time, it is a useful thing indeed to remind ourselves of the eternal Certainties:”

  • Time scratches at our backs.
  • The health of a hedgehog can be determined by the wriggliness of his nose. He has a soft underside.
  • We are running out of pages in our diaries.
  • No-one is permitted to read them, and no-one wants to, unless you tell them it is not permitted.
  • The butterfly roars in its cage, like a lion.  
  • As the hammer is taken to the manikin in the (emptied) fishtank, a birthday candle distorts grotesquely as it’s waxen body melts.
  • It is fashioned into the likeness of a popular cartoon character…
  • What to be done with these inconsequential wonders?
  • Mother, when will you understand that my every word is not a demand, and that I am capable of starting my own conversation…
  • Charlie Chaplain and Einstein were, once and always, the same person.
  • To wake up every morning, with a gift under one’s tree.
  • Apples, Apples, Strawberries.
  • The stork makes the cherry the most narrative of fruits.
  • The poet who equates eroticism with fruit metaphors, is a sad and lonely man. Here, have a peach.
  • The Gate is opened by the Monk who does not close it. He kindly leads three blind mice up the path.
Photo by Nader Davoodi. source 

Beetle-Philia

Warne’s “Standard” Extra-General Miscellany:

Nanochapter 3; Sports, Hobbies and Procreation: insects, music

The (‘magnificent’) Beetles (For giant insect warlords, see Pop Music > The Beatles (a.k.a The Beat-Alls)

England, 1964 – Roads are closed for The Beetles’  race across Liverpool on Rollerskates. Ringo Wins, and takes home a piece of Stonehenge.

In 1979, popular Sports Team The Harlem Globe Trotters adopted as their anthem the Beetles song Norwegian Wood (What a Feelin’).

The Peter Post – If Your Name Is Peter, Comment Here

This is a song that The Hare has composed in collaboration with Clint Mansell, in honour of Peters everywhere. If you are a Peter, feel free to add a verse in the comments field, and/or adopt it as your personal Anthem. 

(to be played on ukulele, drums and accordion)

Peter,

Peter,

like a brook or a river?

Born on a Tuesday,

To a mother –

never sweeter.

Continue reading The Peter Post – If Your Name Is Peter, Comment Here

Introducing the Fat Man’s Book

In the early 70s, The Hare moonlighted as a male prostitute and let fat, ugly, and wise men stroke him in return for answers to sacred questions. While one of his clients was asleep, he stole a giant golden egg which, when smashed, had the power to transform into lots of little eggs. He also stole a book, entitled “Warne’s “Standard” Extra-General Miscellany”. It is the most reliable book known to man. I will post excerpts of it here.

milk [noun]
1. an opaque white or bluish-white liquid secreted by the mammary glands of female mammals, serving for the nourishment of their young.
2. this liquid as secreted by cows, goats, or certain other animals
3. “The swindler milked her of her savings.”
4. “The swindler milked her in order to save us”
5. “cry over spilled milk”, to lament what cannot be changed or corrected; express sorrow for past actions or events: Crying over spilled milk will do you no good now.
6. “Laughing over a glass of milk”, all is correct, see “business as usual”
6. “The milk of humans”, kindness.

6. a river that rises in the Rockies in northwestern Montana and flows eastward to become a tributary of the Missouri River.

—Related forms
milkless, adjective

“The cow is of the bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other milk.”

-Ogden Nash