How to Buy Things (Properly): Peter And The Hare’s Christmas Guideplan.

It’s that time of year again – the time when it is  22:41 GMT in England on the 11th Décembre 2007 and my fancy is to write something about Christmas.

Christmas is a time of giving; Christmas for the Hare can happen at any given moment, and often pops up on him unexpectedly. He usually invites his friends* to his “anywhere-house” (a great feat of nomadic architecture), to exchange with them a variety of fresh fruits, beverages, wicker animal sculptures, sounds, spells and bodily fluids.

Being a Human who is eternally confined to the limitations of the tiranical Capitalism, however, you may prefer to exchange more “conventional” gifts, in your silly little “somewhere-houses” made of brick which, contrary to popular belief, can be demolished by Big Bad Wolves whenever they please. With this in mind, we present a guide that will make your Festive “shopeing” pass with the minimum level of pain you are required to suffer by the Capitalist System and those horrid places known as “cities.”

“Gifts” are sorted by the family member who is least likely to want them.  

1. GRANDMOTHER:

You think your GRANDMOTHER wants an “i-pod”? no, she doesn’t, you fool. It does not even play WMAs, and the cheapest one doesn’t even have an LCD display! What are you thinking? You are not thinking right. To buy for GRANDMOTHER, you must buy what GRANDMOTHER desires.

 She has not fulfilled her childish dreams.

BUY HER:

Adidos Georgia Bulldogs Toddler 2-Piece Cheerleader Dress

(For “GRANDFATHER“, as above – subtract vagina and breasts.)

2. BROTHER

Your BROTHER is bigger and stronger, and he beats you.

BUY HIM:

Dreamel 1200-02 Glue Gun Kit With Bag

Glue his eyelids shut, while he is sleeping. He will never wake up. Now YOU can do the beating! That is the sound of a lesson being learnt!

3. SISTER

The one they call “SISTER”. How fair is she? You love her often, and better than the Moon. One automatically thinks of lingerie, but this year you will use your imagination. Something to watch her? She will be flattered. But wait, “…music be the side-order of sisterly love”, so wrote Shakespeare. 

That being the case, there is something which will work like treacle in the event of a  below-balcony serenade…

BUY HER:

Schoenengut “Fancy Baby” Grand Piano – Red

Sweet music will deafen us

to the wilting dream,

the silent cries,

the broken mirror,

the bent Narcissus.
 

4. MOTHER

Oh Mother, Mother, Mother…

Blood, Mother?

Blood!

BUY HER:

tudor dolls set

Plush Brown 13″ Moving Head Mother


Complete Set, With:

  • Mother Owl
  • Infant Owl
  • Magpie
  • Tudor Playroom

(Cannot be Returned)

5. FATHER (le nom du père):

We do not speak to FATHER, FATHER speaks to us.

BUY HIM:

An His Master's Voice Monarch Gramophone, with Oak Case and Fluted Oak Horn, circa 1911 Fine Art Giclee Poster Print, 30x40Eyeballs Gumballs

 

 

 

Gramophone, Eyeballs and Cane

 

 

 Now you have satisfied all your family’s lusts and desires.

But have you? Beware, if they are not grateful, they will assassinate your character, and/or terminate your very existence on this Earth. They will question your ability to do anything with success. They will not trust you with so much as a spoon. ‘Afore you know it, they will subject you to the misery of The Workhouse, or else The Mines.

If the dread of this overcomes you, and you –  tossing eternally in your restless bed of Night – cannot sleep, for fear of dreams, then perhaps you might seek solace in this, which in popular vernacular is referred to as a “Self-Help” Book:
 

You're Too Wonderful To Die

Happy “Shopeing” This Yuletide Season! Merrily Ye Go! Submit To The Wayward Cities, and The Evils Of The “Factories”!

*René, Maggie, Nathan, Dmitri, Jim, Ghislain, Rita and The Great Hallucinomos

5 thoughts on “How to Buy Things (Properly): Peter And The Hare’s Christmas Guideplan.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s