Theme Park

Reader,

While I urge you to comment on any of my poems. I humbly beseech you pay special attention to the following piece, which is a lame dog that needs shooting, if not rewriting. It would do me no pleasure to shoot a dog; if the weather was right, the sun was low and the sky was the right shade, then, yes, your common-or-garden dog slaying might indeed be of some aesthetic appeal, but The Hare likes animals. Not dogs, espeicially, but he likes hares.

So anyway, yeah, feedback please. 😀

Theme Park

A meeting of
likeminded friends
convene in Dino World.
for burgers.

Unimpressed,
sat next to the Waltzers,
Sipping drinks,
We keep ourselves grounded.

Introducing the juice of meat
to my tastebuds; timidly at first –
to see how they spin –
the lights give me a headache
that I know won’t shift
until I’m home.

I began the storytelling
with one I half remembered
about my phobia of animatronics
and fear of heights.

Someone said they found dinosaurs creepy
and stared at their shoes.

The excitement of this awkward moment
is quite enough for us, you see.

We permit ourselves
to feel ridiculous.
Our money paid up,
our permission to ride.

5 thoughts on “Theme Park

  1. Hi, thanks for stopping by my place.

    I like to give and receive feedback as well. I see you’ve asked and I shall do my best to offer you something helpful. I think this is pretty good. I like the linear progression of burgers, grounded,and meat. I feel that the third stanza is your weakest. I would consider actually making the introduction between meat and tastebuds as first person, as if you were really introducing two people. That would fit right in with the quirkiness of the rest of your poem. Hope that helps! 🙂

  2. A meeting of

    (don’t end lines with weak words, especially your grabber)

    likeminded friends
    convene in Dino World.

    (either have to drop the period or capitalize “for” which would be a sentence fragment)

    for burgers.

    Unimpressed,
    sat next to the Waltzers,
    Sipping drinks,
    We keep ourselves grounded.

    (Why are these two lines above capitalized? It doesn’t seem to serve any pupose and is distracting)

    Introducing the juice of meat
    to my tastebuds (taste buds;) timidly at first –
    to see how they spin –
    the lights give me a headache
    that I know won’t shift
    until I’m home.

    I began the storytelling
    with one I half remembered

    (4 “I”s in 4 lines; better not to do that. It is always a good idea to read a poem out loud and listen to the sonics of it – when you hit all the eyes you’ll hear what I mean.)

    about my phobia of animatronics
    and fear of heights.

    Someone said they found dinosaurs creepy
    and stared at their shoes.

    (this has potential to be the strongest verse, but now it makes me think they looked at the dinosaurs shoes)

    The excitement of this awkward moment
    is quite enough for us, you see.

    We permit ourselves
    to feel ridiculous;.
    Our money paid up,
    our permission to ride.

    (Consider using a little for imagery to introduce what Dino World is, as my first impression was it was a restaurant, never having heard of the place and just going by what I gather from the poem initially)

  3. thanks for that crit, Madhava; most useful. Capitalisation is the bain of my existance sometimes because I tend to make a mental note to myself to sort it out after I’ve written the poem, but forget to do so, or don’t do it well enough.

    By the way, anybody can crit any one of my poems, I was just flagging this up for particular attention. I’m sure I don’t need to say that all you’re comments are appreiciated, whatever they may be.

    – Peter

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